Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Dear Mom.......

I have been missing her a lot lately and a good friend of mine suggested I write to her, so here it is, no better place then here.

Dear Mom,

Well it has been 2.5 years since you passed away and a lot has happened. Right before you passed Micah had to either stay or leave POS and he opted to leave, we were hopeful in every way some how you would make it out alive, but unfortunately that was not the case, so we went back to FL for your funeral and the back up to VA to pack and move before Christmas, we moved in with Chip and Nancy for a couple of months, after in those few months POS called Micah and offered him his job back, so with no other prospects we found ourselves moving back up to VA. It was a bit of a crazy ride, I searched for jobs until a good friend of mine got me into Accenture. Fast forward some Micah and I found contentment living back up in VA, we felt that with everything else at that moment it felt right, cause god knows I was not sure I would be able to go back to Dunedin with all of it feeling way too much like something was missing and that was you.

Micah and I have been back for 2 years and we have been renting in a great neighborhood this past year with awesome neighbors and a great young family feel to it. We moved in January 2010, and within 2 weeks I was pregnant, finally Micah and I were on the same page to start a family and it took us no time at all, so of course as soon as we get settled into a place, in true Micah and Lizzie style (as you know we don't seem to go the easy route since we got married) we decide to add to our family instead of enjoying it for awhile, but we would not change it for the world. I gave birth to Jackson Barrett  Roberts on October 14th 2010 at 4:09 pm and as I know I do not need to tell you because I felt your presences because I know there was no way I could have been that strong without you there, I had a c-section, just like you, he is amazing a true miracle and he brings so much happiness, which is what we needed with the loss we have had in our lives. I had wished so badly in that time that you would just walk in to be there for it all and I wish that a lot when I need your advice. I feel like I have been so strong over the years since you passed and now more then ever I struggle with how much I miss you, this is the time I feel like I need you when I am not sure what to do or I need to express to someone how I feel and since you have been through this you could tell me, because let's face it you always knew what to say to me even when it was the 100th phone call for the day. I just wish I had known I would not have had a lot more time with you once we left FL, I would have giving you a grand child maybe sooner so you could have been there or I would have never left or I could have asked you all the questions about motherhood and how you got through it, but I guess I can't do the would've, should've, could've, this was the cards that were dealt and they sucked.

I am sure as you have seen Jackson is great he is for the most part a really happy boy who loves to laugh and smile, unless he is hungry he gets a lot like his mom, mad, lol.  He looks a lot like dad which I think is great, it is nice to see him in him as he has been gone for so long, right now he looks a lot like me too, when he was born he looked a lot like Micah now he is his mommy, I am pretty sure cause he has fattened up and got those round cheeks oh and no chin just like his us and Micah ;) He is a great sleeper at night, naps are touchy, but we deal, that is still a process. He is going to be tall which is great, the first thing the doctor said when she took him out was wow he has big feet.

We are in the process of trying to sell our condo in Dunedin, not the best time, but we are being hopeful that is all we can be.

Tomorrow is Micah and my 4 year anniversary, can you believe it, I can't believe it has been 4 years, we still appreciate and are in ah of what an amazing wedding you gave us, it was the best day of our life next to Jackson's birth and you were gorgeous that day and ever other day too, but just a lovely mother of the bride.

 You would have been a great Nana and I am always sad that part of Jackson's life was robbed, he will always know about you and dad that is for certain. I show him your pictures everyday and tell him that you love him and how lucky he is to have 2 amazing guardian angels. I am also hoping that writing this to you will help me feel like I have filled you in on our lives over the past 2.5 years, though right now I am crying I know it will help in the long run.

I wanted you to hear this song, every time Micah and I hear it we think about you and there is never a dry eye from us.

I love you and miss you and hope if anything you are having fun with dad up there, sending you both hugs and kisses.



Holding it together......

Today is one of those days.... J is beyond fussy and not into long naps at all today we went for our daily walk which he loves, I honestly think if he could live outside he would be happier so we get out as much as we can, we also tried sweet potatoes which he LOVED it was cute. Beyond that I have found myself on the verge of tears and as soon as my eyes start to well up I say "no don't cry", I just don't want to be upset around J. I guess I might feel better if I knew my hubby was going to come home at dinner time and relieve me for a little bit, but not so lucky he has to work after work in Bethesda so he won't be home until 11pm, poor guy, so it is me all day with a not so happy crying babe. I knew before J that Micah's job was a tough one he does not have a schedule like a lot of my friends significant others, his is always on and it demands a lot of his time, I just never thought it would be this hard on me, but I should have it always has been. I know it is hard for him too he is providing for his family and in order to do that he has to give his all to work too and if I complain it just makes it all harder. Oh well I need to take a deep breath and get through this day it is not always like this and it looks like a perfect ending to tonight will be a bath and a glass of wine once J is asleep.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

a little of what is on my mind.....

Today is turning out to be a beautiful day here in the Virginia area getting up to 65 degrees, wahoo! I just put J down for a nap and while I am writing this is I am watching him play with his feet and being so happy in his crib. We have noticed in the past to days how quick he is growing up, he talks all the time and mimics my voice with his noises it is amazing, I took a minute yesterday and looked at him and could not believe this awesome cool laid back baby was mine I had been waiting for him so long.

With all those great emotions always comes that one emotion I can't get rid of and that is, why are neither of my parents alive for this, it makes me sad and angry and for a minute I think poor me, I quickly get over it cause I do not like to pity myself it does no good. I find myself at times getting jealous of people who have their parents especially when they are able to take a break with their husband or for themselves and feel that they can leave their children with them or to be able to call them and vent and get advice, especially my girlfriends with their moms, I miss those days... now I have to figure it out, and while it makes me stronger I would switch it in a minute to just  have an argument with them or call them to say hi and I love you, weird right, but those are the things you miss, let's face it you miss all of it. Believe me if they were alive or even my mom was still I am sure I would be taking advantage of them being around, you never fully know what you have until it is gone.

While I feel all this I also feel very empowered from having J, he has made me feel like I can do anything and that nothing will get in my way and that there is no other love like one with your child and husband and making a family of your own and for that I am forever grateful that I get to experience this.

If I leave you with anything I say this hug all your loved ones just a little bit harder tonight and tell them you love them a little bit more don't take them for granted.

Now I am off for a walk in this great weather!!!!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

It is ok......

To hear that it is OK to feel they way I do is something I have always needed to hear, weird right?  I used to have the one person in my life that would always tell me it was OK and that was my mom, of course if she did not agree then I would not hear it, but for the most part she would always say it, because I am sure she knew it was what I needed to hear. There was even a time I would need to hear OK if I wanted to eat something bad while I was being good, it was like if I heard OK then it was fine to do or if I wanted to spend money on something that I knew I did not really need then if I got told OK again I would do it. Thank god I got over that, those types of OK's were not right, I needed to make those decisions on my own and had to learn that after she passed.

I have recently been struggling with if how I have been feeling is OK. Was I in the right to feel this way, am I being to hard on myself or my husband for that matter and so on. Well I am a firm believer that some people enter your life for all the right reasons and well one of those people happens to be my neighbor. He is a therapist for a living and not only have him and his partners become friends or ours, he always takes the time to make sure that I know he is there if I need anything especially since J was born with the new transition and last night I decided to take him up on talking to him and I let it out. After he heard me out he looked at me and said "It is OK to feel like you do and it is normal." And I thought, OMG thank you , I was pretty sure he was going to tell me I was nuts, ha. He explained it in such away that it made sense, he said "For some reason, some how we all feel that being emotional is a negative thing and we should not be that way."  He then went into the 5 major stressors in life, that being and not in this order: Moving, Marriage, Death, Career and life changes (baby and deciding to stay home--this is our case) and then said to me, "This has all happened to you guys in the past 4 years, most people don't have all these things happen to them in that short amount of time and make it out on the other end and to be honest I have always been amazed with how much you to have been through and done in a short amount of time." I needed to hear all of that because now instead of looking at my emotions and situation is a negative light I need to look at it in a positive light.

I  don't want this to be mistaking as being told actions of mine are OK when they are not, I have learned to accept criticism or others opinions as a positive thing. It is more to do with when I have moments of sadness, hurt and feeling like I have giving up so much of me for one reason or another, I need to realize that it is OK to feel these things.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

What a great weekend.......

Well Friday night was not great, I decided it would be a great night to be over emotional with the husband, poor guy he puts up with a lot of tears, but once again we got through it :).

Saturday came around and despite all the rain we bundled J up and hit Target at 9am to start our grocery shopping, we split it between there and Trader Joe's. It was off to Trader Joe's after Target to pick up the rest of what we needed for the week and Super Bowl Sunday. We came home hung out with J, played on his new jumperoo, which he loves and is doing great on, then we tried to take a family nap, J was not having it he was cranky, so we put him where loves to be, his swing and he was a happy and fell asleep. I then made a quick and yummy spaghetti dinner with a great glass of red wine, all was right in my world. J is now on a schedule he is asleep by 8pm and does not get up until 8am, it is great he has become a self soother if he wakes up he sucks his fingers for a second and then he is out, I love it. He got over the pacifier a week ago and as of tonight no more swaddle, I was scared for that moment but it has been the best he has slept in a month. The husband and I had a great night hanging out together after J went to sleep, but no surprise I was next, passed out by 10pm. No late nights for this mommy, ha.

 I got up on this lovely Sunday, it was sunny and warmer then normal, went to WW, was down again and I was happy, I am 11lbs away from my first goal, that is to be what I was when I got pregnant, I am so close I can taste it (weight watchers lingo)! Then I came home and we all went out, mission --- to find me new jeans because the ones I bought a week after J was born where falling off me, they where SO baggy. Just as we went to the third store, because I could not find what I liked and I was getting discouraged we decided to look at Gap (though I did not want to spend that much money) but there I was being told to try 2 sizes smaller then the jeans I had on, as I looked at the girl and said, "No way they will not fit I am not there yet." I went in and came out, THEY FIT!!! I was so happy everything I have been doing this past 2.5 months has paid off, it has kept me motivated and again a firm believer in Weight Watchers and of course it is always awesome to hear how proud of me the husband is and how great they looked and well I am proud of me. We came home cleaned up the house and rearranged a little as our house is becoming J's play room, we need a bigger house big time, and then off I was to the kitchen making homemade turkey,veggie and bean chili and sweet and spicy cornbread, must I say the first time ever making cornbread and it was good. Now J is asleep and the husband is watching the Super Bowl and both of us must I say are typing away on our computers, but here I sit with everything cleaned up, coffee made and ready to brew in the morning, husbands lunch is made and I look around a count my blessings.

This has been again another great weekend with my boys.

Monday, January 31, 2011

This is what I am thinking about today.

Sometimes I’ll write after Ice Cream and sometimes I’ll write while I scream – this post is the latter – so if you have your red pen out, cap it and drop it – you should’ve put it away at post #1. Enjoy and share. – Lizzie

The word perfect means; being entirely without fault or defect. This is impossible to be, I try to be this, but why nobody is perfect so why do I think I can be the first. I just need to try to be the best wife, mom, sister, friend and person I can be and if it works for the people in my life great, if not well know that I tried to be the best I can, but I am not perfect. There are always expectations on you whether you set them or people do cause well that is what they want you to be. I have learned to except people for who they are and don't try and change them and I should not want to change them cause that is them if they change it should be because they wanted to. This one I still have to catch myself when I feel something should be done another way and go that is there way not yours. I do this because I hope people do that with me, and I was always told treat others how you want to be treated.

My husband and I were talking over the weekend about how much life has changed since J came into or lives, we look forward to Friday nights when he is home for the weekend and we are a family with no interruptions and with this relationships with others change a little, because our energy has changed to other things, like J and providing for him. I bring this up because I often feel like I have failed a little in this category and if I am being the best I can be and while I think I am and I put into it all I can, I am not sure it is always seen like that, I always feel that is the one place in my life that has the most pressure to be more. With me staying home things have had to change, money is different and we think of it differently on what we are willing to spend it on or want to, so we find ourselves saying no to a lot more now then we used to. While I know life will not always be like this it is right now we are young and starting a new phase in our life and just learning how to live it.

Last but not least, can I say finally it is the end of January! I am not sure if anyone else has thought so, but does this not feel like the LONGEST month ever! This winter is killing me and there is still a couple of months left. Oh yeah and if I see one more come to Key West commercial, I might just be on the next plane out of here, I am dying for some palm trees and sun.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


I am  an Oprah fan and yesterday her show was about happiness. They asked if happiness was genetic and well it is. We're all born with a set point of happiness, some are high and some are low, they were saying if you were not born with a high level then you can learn to be happy. I have always struggled with this and how things will make me happy. Well it wasn't until I met my husband that I would learn from him over the next 8 years that THINGS do not make me happy, MONEY will not make me happy, NUMBERS on a scale will not make me happy, but that I will make me happy. Simple right...WRONG. I was convinced that everything, but me would make me happy such as where I live, how much money we had, what kind of clothes I was wearing, so on and so on. I have fought him for so long until recently.

The Oprah show confirmed everything I have been working on recently. I was surprised to learn that a family of 4 making $75k a year was no less happy than the family or person making more than that. Of course you might not have brand new stuff, but you will have a house, afford groceries and have insurance, this does depend where you live, but for the most part it is true all over. I can agree since going to a one income house, we have had to give up things and I have never been happier to be honest, it has gotten me back in the kitchen to cook dinners everyday of the week, I have dusted off the workout equipment and most of all being home more has made me start my blog, create a vision board for our future and a new thing I am loving, making iMovies with all our pictures, it is great.

So what is my happiness? It is doing things for me, our health and the health of our family and spending time with them, of course watching J grow everyday, but most of all having the husband home on the weekends with NO work interruptions.

Now it is time for you to think about it, What is your happiness?